I figured

29 Oct 2018

I figured that the reason i wanted to be heared and to speak out loud my own experiences, personal experiences, publically, was that i needed their reaction to my life changes because my own worth was made out of others reactions to my actions

I figured that I had childhood traumas that i didnt express and respond or react to when those happenings where happening, so they developed into unprocessed happenings, and those we call traumas because you can remember them, your brain remembers them over the years that come after the happening, even if they’re far away, it remembers them because there is still something to process about them. the more you dont process them, the more they stay and the more they affect your present choices, actions, and the way you do most things today

I figured that childhood trauma, one that we dont know we have, is going to affect us deeply in our teens and early twenties

I figured that most society-breakthrough people and people who quit everything and start a new life and want to be noticed and have to force their opinion on others, are probably still having unresolved childhood trauma, and they probably dont even know they have some. they just go on living their new truth in full belief it’s the one truth, and they are just living a hurtful lie and life of escape of emotional trauma coming from the past

I figured that reality is based around me because i am at the center of my own reality so my number one fulfillment goal and task in life is to make ME happy and to take care of what I personally need

I figured that relationships can be addicting/manipulative etc and that we have to be conscious of the types of relationships we have with other people/animals/things

What am I ashamed of admitting that I want?
I want to be important and a key holder of a nucleus of people. I want to be a mother. I want to carry humans in my woumb, now, and I want to create my own family the way I want, in co-creation with my best friends, male and female.
I want to live where my best friends and family are.

I want to live among many many green lush plants, either in a minimalist home or in an outdoor home in the forest.
I want to drink good warm coffee in the mornings and I want to take life easy.
I want to go slow.
I want to have a morning routine and a night routine, and I want to have a meal routine.
I want to drink lots of water and feel nourished and alive being hydrated by water.
I want to eat plant-based and whole foods, and some animals, too. And fruits. Nuts. Seeds. Roots. Teas and decoctions. I want to learn how to apply herbs for my own healing. I want to know how to use plants for my good.
I want to live among many many plants.
I want to create beautiful plaintings and I want to have them showcased either in a store or online, and have some on sale.
I want to practice stretching and yoga on a regular basis and really feel my breath when doing it, I want it to be part of my routine.
I want to have running in the park as a part of my routine, too. And I want to really enjoy running and do it for my self.
I want to pee and poop on soil and on the ground and not in a WC.
I want to make myself beautiful, take care of my outer being, of my physical body, make and feel beautiful from the inside, and outside.
I want to feel sexual as a human animal.
I want to live my life with wolf dogs that are in tune with la Tierra.
I want to speak Spanish, Portuguese, Italian, German, English and Arabic.
I want to have a dog puppy. I want to live around a cat, too.
I want for my the kids I birthed through my woumb to grow up in a large community, a tribe, so that they can ask for help to and learn different things from different people.
I want the humans birthed through my woumb to feel at home and safe in the community they grew up in. I want them to feel free, to get to know the Earth and its natural languages, to be attuned to animals, and to learn how to be responsible for themselves in their teens.
I want to provide them with a safe shelter, a loving and rich and big community, whole foods and clear water, lots of animals and natural places, surrounded by plenty of plants, elders and kids, with access to the online net, and access to a whole, decolonized education of mind, body, spirit and all other things necessary at the time of need.
I want to be in service of my human peers by teaching them how to understand themselves, how to take care of their holistic self, treat them with yoga thereapy and massage therapy, art therapy and meditation therapy. I want to be in servce of my fellow human peers by being a living inspiration for them in terms of their self healing and wholistically balanced lifestyle. The tools of spreading inspiration are yet to be decided.
I want to hold women and women-men ceremonies (cacao, fire, red tent, moon phases, meditation) whose goal is to create connection to others, understanding of the other, sense of belonging, acceptance of self and others, connection to self, attunement to others, attunement to the Earth’s elements and phases, sisterhood, brotherhood, peace, problem-solving, expression of the inside world.
I want to gather peope and hold space.
I want to be a leader for the balance and good for people, Earth and everything on it.
I want to take it easy. I want to rest, to play, to rejoice, to dance.

And so it is.

30 Oct 2018
12:00

Sono tanto dura con me stessa.
Non riesco a perdonarmi per questo periodo difficile e confusionale.
Mi isolo perche’ cosi’ mi faccio male da sola.
Mi rimprovero perche’ non mi sono ancora perdonata per gli sbagli commessi in passato.

E’ difficile.
Mi sento isolata.
Non so cosa fare.
Le uniche cose che so che sono giuste fare sono piangere in stanza e stare da sola.
Ma la solitudine anche mi cigola dentro.

Non so che altro fare se non piangere.
E’ forse l’unica cosa che mi porta conforto.

30 Oct 2018
19:55

I am not afraid of crying anymore.
All I’ve been doing lately is crying. And I don’t fear it anymore.
Yes, I am grieving, and hurting. I am owning my grief. I am owning my sorrow.
Because my sorrow was not created from me. It is not my fault.
My sorrow is here and I accept it, because it is real.
I am not afraid of crying anymore.
All I do is cry.
Let it come. Let the grief flood. Let the tears come.

30 Oct 2018
20:19

I figured.
I am doing it all over again.
( –> the healing
the going inside
the griefing
the crying
the expressing my deepest feelings
the building of my deepest visions
the trusting myself
the jumping into the unknown.)

I have done it at 19. After high school graduation.
I lost track and a deeper layer got revealed.
I am doing it all
over again.
What a joy. sparkle

The gift I have been given to have the time and willingness and opportunity to do it. To remember, grief, express, shed, die, be reborn, and all over again.
I have all the time I need.
There is a purpose for this, too.

30 Oct 2018
21:02

I used social media as a way of speaking up and speaking my voice, experience, feelings
Because I did not feel safe in doing it in my actual surroundings
To actual people

What would I have to let go of?
Of the stories I tell myself of: how I am crazy
how I don’t know when the heck I’ll ever be “normal” “stable” “balanced”
how I am giving up on myself
Of the anger I have for my trauma inducers
Of the anger I have for myself for being labeled as crazy and not being understood (it’s not my fault)

Of sugar
Of my fear of having muscles and of running by a schedule
Of my clinging to my round bootey
Of the story of “I’m different” “I’m shy” “I’m not to be understood” “I belong nowhere” “I am not loved”
Of sexual trauma
Of sexual stories
Of the idea that life has to have a purpose
Of the idea that life has to be planned
Of the idea of having a carreer
Of the idea of being “successful”
Of the idea of impressing people
Of the idea of pleasing the matrix eye and thought
Of the idea that I owe something to old men
Of the idea that I am still held under the control of old white men

Of the idea that I don’t have a place of safety and expression in a tight, close community
Of the idea of having to be either masculine or feminine, the idea of gender
Of body hair removal for acceptance
Of plans

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